Sick babies are no fun

Signs that your 8 month old son may be sick:

1. He sleeps remarkably well through the night after a week of waking several times to engage his Maman in a night-time game of Battleship. True, the fact that he can understand and use coordinates is astonishing, but I could care less about my son’s genius level IQ at 1, 2:30, 3:30, 5:15 and 7:00 am.

2. Upon waking, he plants his face firmly into your shoulder and weeps “Oh Maman! I’m SOOOOOOOOOO sad!” Speaking skills aside, these are not exactly fun times knowing full well that Maman is the antithesis of a morning person, and she, herself, is usually the one crying “Oh, Sacha! I’m SOOOOOOOOO sad!” each morning.

3. After an hour of moaning and whining, an attempt to give him baby tylenol of the grape variety, which he usually sucks back and tries to slam the entire bottle, results in a vicious gag reflex thereby leading to a trail of purply-cerealy vomit down my leg.

4. He eats his lunch very reluctantly, allowing a mouth opening of mere millimeters to cram food into. The result: much blueberries and yogurt all over his face and mixed with the snot-fountain that has sprung from his nose. Need I mention that yogurt and blueberries are 2 of his favourite foods and that it was a pure treat to let him have only that for lunch because of Maman’s attempt to make his sick little self feel happy?

5. While playing his mini piano of 4 keys (that form a major chord when played together, thank goodness), the mini piano flips to its side. This is purely unacceptable and can only lead to a total crydown of Niagara proportions while cupping his head in his hands and firmly planting his face into the floor and crying “WHY?!?!”

6. The Backyardigans cheer him up for a few minutes, but he then realizes that he is sucking on a soother covered in the snot fountain’s juices, turns to me, and buries his head in my chest while Pablo sings “It’s great to be a ghost.”

7. Any attempt to try and clean up or minimize the mess that is a runny baby nose is met by extreme violent flailing of arms and screams of injustice.

8. Maman starts putting liquor in her hot chocolate just to get through the day.