Tuesday, 9 July 2013


Since last May, when I embarked on the aptly named Insanity program, I did not really think it would be such a life-changing thing.  I completed insanity mostly to prove to myseld that I could do it. If Tony could run a half-marathon, I could do Insanity.  We both realized those goals, and were super awesomely cool.

But then I decided that I didn't just want to stop after Insanity.  I mean, working THAT hard, nearly puking, pissing and pooping my pants while working out, tripping in my own sweat...all that effort was too big to go to waste by sitting and knitting all winter. So I went for something completely different and did Strippercize.  Just kidding.  I did P90X and although I really enjoy weights, the program was not my fave.  The workouts were just a wee-bit long for a mother who has to watch her kids while working out. So I went back to doing Insanity workouts on my own schedule.  I generally chose workouts from the first month because they tend to be around 40-45 minutes long, whereas month 2 workouts are closer to an hour.  And like I said, I am a mother who has to keep her house from spontaneously imploding everytime she works out.

Working out became sort of like crack to me. Not that I have ever done crack. Nor do I know anyone (or KNOW that I know someone) who does crack. But from what I gather, it's a big rush. Whee! Well, these crazy intense workouts are my crack. Legal crack. Crack that I want to share with the world and not get arrested for.

Here's my new crack. It's called Focus T25: 25 minute workouts that give you the same results as a 60 minute workout. Created by the same guy who created Insanity, the awesomely awesome Shaun T. Who is married.  To a white man. That totally made me fall off my chair when I found that out.  My gaydar was not working at all.  I was sure he and Tanya (a chick who features prominently in Insanity) were having extra-curricular workouts of their own. I was WAYYYYYY off...

What was I saying? Oh yeah. So you may be thinking - 25 minutes? Joke.  It takes that long to get my Vibram FiveFingers on. No way a workout in 25 minutes can actually be challenging. I take poops longer than 25 minutes.  Wait, that's a lie.  But it wouldn't be a lie if my husband was the one writing this blog post.

Fact: 25 minutes will seem like eternity to you while you do these workouts.  But then, because it's only 25 minutes, you're done really quickly and like whaaaaa?
Fact: On day 5, 10, etc you do a double day where you complete two workouts.  That brings you to 50 minutes.
You're thinking: well finally, that's a workout.  Maybe you should do two workouts everyday you lazy crackhead.
Fact: Today was Day 5. I was still standing after the first workout. Sweaty, but upright.
 Then I drank some water and pushed play on the second workout. And I spent the next 25 minutes trying not to fall over from my jell-o legs, slipping in my sweat and possibly pee, holding back the hurl, and screaming at Shaun T because WHAT THE EFF WAS HE THINKING SUGGESTING TWO WORKOUTS ON THE SAME DAY?? and then I would see the little workout counter and see the word BURNOUT, which is a few minutes of even more heightened and intense physical activity and I yelled FML BURNOUT! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!
But I made it.  Sorta. This was me after the second workout. Sweaty.  Not upright. Immersed in a puddle of my own sweat. My glasses are actually foggy.

So.The main bullet points of this presentation are:
Workouts = Sarah crack.
Burnouts = cruel form of punishment; way to atone for deadly sins
Focus T25 = Seriously effective and sweat-inducing. Not a joke.
Two workouts in one day = 911 on speed dial.
Shaun T = hot black man married to a white man; awesomest workout coach ever. Even if only on my TV...