Thursday, 24 January 2013

Bolly (the quasi-pre-tumor) and Me

I may have given myself a tumor.

Four days ago, while sitting at my laptop creating a fancy keynote presentation on ukulele for beginners (BACK OFF! Get your own teaching job!), I suddenly had a bad headache.  The pain was intense on a specific spot behind my ear, sort of at the base of my skull.  It ran downward along my neck all the way to my shoulder.  If I touched it, I could have fallen over.  Not because I am a pussy.  I'm not.  I can handle a lot of blood, guts, and pain. But this hurt, yo.
Then, when I was trying to massage my own neck to make it feel better, I felt a lump, about the size of a small marble.  It moved around.  I heard that moving balls are better than stationary balls (HAHAHAHAHA) so I was not overly concerned about the ball.  But the pain was another story.

When Tony got home, I told him to look at my neck. "I think a part of my skull broke off and traveled down into my neck. See this neck ball?  SEE IT?"
T: No.  What am I supposed to see?
Me: This ball.  It's hard.  It moves around. And it really hurts.
T: It's a tumor.
M: Shut up.  I'm serious!  There is something there!
T: I know! It's a tumor and you're gonna die.
M: Screw you.

Seeing how I had no sympathy from THAT end, I asked my mom to have a look.  She couldn't see anything, but I made her feel it.  Then, like all good mothers (but apparently NOT husbands) do, she started to worry.  Maybe she didn't say it, but I know she did. Because she is my mommy. And I made her.

The next day, the pain was worse and gosh dang it, that ball was sticking out the side of my neck! WTF?! IT GREW!  I AM SURE IT GREW!  I may or may not have taken photos of it with my phone and texted them to a friend who is a nurse practioner to ask her what they were.  Said it was most likely a lymph node and she couldn't talk, she was waiting for Oprah to come on stage.  Apparently Oprah trumps neck bumps. If my neck had billions of dollars and gave back to the world, maybe it would trump Oprah. This assumes I actually took photos and texted them.  Which may or may not have happened. Hard to say...hard to say.

I decided to do yoga.  I thought maybe some yoga would stretch my muscles and pull that piece of my skull back up behind my ear where it belonged.  Funny thing with yoga.  When you don't do it for a few weeks, then you dive back into a more advanced routine, your muscles are not too happy with you.  The actual yoga felt great, but my entire body was not Ommmmming in any way. And my good friend Bally was still there.  Or maybe Bolly.  Like Bollywood.  That's more kitchy.

I called every massage place in town trying to get in.  Managed to get one booked for the following evening at 6 pm.  Help was just a few rubs away.
In the meantime, though, the pain got worse and Bolly grew. I called to get a doctor's appointment the following day, but the timing meant I would have to forgo the massage. And I reaaaaaallllly wanted that massage.  I tried to reschedule, but that meant waiting 10 days. And that is like 11 days too long.

So Bolly and I went to the doctor.  And guess what?
It IS a tumor.
Ok, not yet.  Right now, it's still a lymph node that's all hot and bothered by an infection.
The doctor started looking all through my hair and my scalp.  Then he saw a bump and I told him not to worry, it was just a pimple.
Dr: No, you don't get pimples in your scalp.  That's a lesion.  And it's infected.
Me: Huh? Really? Neat.
Dr: Yes, there are a few bumps under the skin here. The infection most likely drained down all the way to that one lymph node, and it's fighting the infection, but also putting pressure on this muscle and an occipital nerve.
Me: HUH? From a pimple?
Dr: Not a pimple.  A lesion.
Me: yeah, right.  So all this pain is from that little bump?
Dr: Well, the lesion is most likely what started the whole chain reaction.  Maybe a staph infection, or something else.  If we can clear up the infection, your lymph node should shrink back down and the pain will be gone.
Me: Ok, so how do we do that?
Dr: Antibiotics.  Then, once you're done, give it about 6 weeks to shrink.  If, after that, the lump is still there, then it's a tumor and we'll take it out.
Me: A tuuuuuummmmmorrrrrr.  Hmmmm...  From a pimple.
Me: Rrrrrrrriiiiiiiighhhhhhht.

So after exchanging pleasantries (his daughter used to be in Sashimi's class), I went to fill my prescription at the pharmacy.  Tony was not working, but his colleage looked at me and said: MAN! Tony's gonna feel like such an ass for saying it's a tumor when it could ACTUALLY be a tumor.
Me: Yeah.  He's such a butt face.  I'm gonna be like: IN YOUR FACE! You mock Bolly and this is what you GET!

Tony handled the news of Bolly the pre-tumor very well.  He looked at me and said: That lesion was a pimple, wasn't it.
Me: Nnnnnooooo.  No pimples on scalp.  LESION.
T: Yeah.  But did you pick it?
M: *crickets*
T: See? You probably felt a bump, then tried to squeeze the shit out of it, pushed all that pus down into your lymphatic system and gave yourself an infection.  PICKER!
M: There is no way that is possible.  I have never had an infection like this before from picking a pimple.
T: That's just a miracle, considering how many pimples you have picked in your life.
Me: I'll pick you.  Give YOU a tumor.
T: So's your face.
M: Your mom.
T: Your mom's face.
M: That doesn't make sense.
T: So's your face always makes sense.*

And that is how I may have given myself a tumor. And an infection.  Although the pimple was legitimately NOT my fault.  Cursed oily-skin genes.

**Conversation embellished a bit.  Although I can confidently say that these retorts have actually been used several times in our marriage. Tonight may or may not have been one of them.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Liebster bling?

I received a comment from a reader today informing me that she nominated me for a Liebster award.  I have no idea who started this, and, since there is an episode of Sherlock waiting for me on the AppleTV, I will not be taking the time to find out who did start it.  Ironically, Sherlock could probably figure it out in 8 seconds.  Wait. He already did.  DAMN he's good.  And sexy. Although the first time I watched Sherlock I thought Benedict Cumberbatch was oh-so-strange looking, now I am totally drawn to him.  He can solve my enigmas anytime.  And if you click on that link for Benny, you'll find my other love, Colin.  GAH. COLIN!  If I could just get a pic of Benny, Colin AND Damian Lewis, I would laminate it and frame it and kiss it every morning when I woke up.  No, I am not British.  I just love the Brits.  Despite their creating Teletubbies and In the Night Garden.  But I'll forgive them for that because they gave us Benny, Colin, and Damian.  And Joseph Fiennes.
So...Sherlock.  Wait.  No.  Liebster award. TA-DA!

From what I gather from the blogger who nominated me, Treena at Love Life With Kids, the award protocol is:

- Bloggers award other bloggers whom they consider as “up and coming” and have less than 200 followers, or are a newer blog.  I would not consider myself as up and coming.  This literary powerhouse started in 2006 when my pregnant self and husband relocated 3500 km away from home. But I definitely have less than 200 readers.  What is UP WITH THAT?  Do people not read anymore??
- If you receive a Liebster, you must tell 11 things about yourself, answer 11 questions asked by the nominating blogger, and nominate 11 new bloggers.  So it appears to be a meme of some kind.  My sister is great at these things.  Maybe I'll nominate her.
- You then ask 11 questions to the bloggers you nominated.  Oh, and don’t forget to inform the bloggers you chose.

11 little known facts about me:

  1. It appears I have a subconscious (now fully conscious) love affair with British men. 
  2. My husband is not British.  Don't tell him about #1.
  3. I have an Edward Cullen action figure on my nightstand.  And two Edward greeting cards and an Edward postcard. So maybe add Robert Pattinson to that list up there.
  4. I have breastfed for a total of 47 months over 6 years. That's like 66%. Well, 100% of the 47 months, but 66% of my time as a mother has been with a baby attached to my boob.
  5. I have the sign of the devil under my right breast.  Wait.  It's actually not the sign of the devil.  It's just a third nipple. No, it's not that either.  It was a small cyst that I had in utero and had already burst or whatnot by the time I was born, leaving a small circular scar.  Although I am pretty sure that had I lived during the Inquisition, I would have been burned for it.
  6. I have had to live through my grandmother asking me how lesbians have sex.  Like somehow I should know how that all works.
  7. Mmmm...Sherlock.
  8. Mmmm...Homeland
  9. Mmmm...Tudors.  I know that one is not on anymore, but DANG. Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Behead me.  I dare you. He's Irish.  Add that to the list.  We'll expand to the whole of Great Britain and Ireland.
  10. I also like Game of Thrones.  Not for any particularly sexy British reason.  I just really like it.

Questions from Love Life With Kids:

1. What was the best thing that happened in your life in 2012? Definitely going to PEI with my friend Lynn.  I have wanted to travel there since I was 4 years old and thanks to my fabulous husband, he made it happen for me.
2. Favourite food? Food.  Generally, I love food.
3. What is your favourite hobby? zoning out all of the media devices playing different games/music/youtube streams/videos/fackery that are usually playing at the same time in my house. It's an art. Wait, that's not my favourite hobby.  That's my superpower. HA!
4. What is one place you’d love to travel to someday? Somewhere without kids. Not kids in general, just my kids. Also one that has a high proportion of sexy British people.
5. Would you rather write things by hand or type them out? My handwriting is capital A-Awesome. So boo-ya.  But I also type like over 100 wpm, so whatevs.
6. What is one skill you have completely mastered? See #3.  Also, going to bathroom while nursing a baby.
7. One skill you’d love to learn? how to hold my pinky up when I drink from a fancy teacup and not give myself carpel tunnel.  It's really hard!
8. Summer or winter? Umn, both have happened to me every year since I was born. 
9. One thing you really want to accomplish in 2013? Here is a serious answer: I want to complete my first graduate course at the U of A.
10. What was your favourite toy as a child? My baby sister.  I loved dragging her around on a leash and making her drink milkilade.
11. What is your most-cherished item in your home? Why? My most cherished item is...a little ceramic bunny that my mom gave me when I was 11 (or 12).  It used to stand on a pedastal that said "I love your hugs".  My kids have destroyed the pedastal and severed one of the bunny's ears.  But that little figurine is still on my dresser. 

My 11 nominees:

OH CRAP.  I have no nominate people??  Flip. De. Doo.  I do not read that many blogs.  I actually don't pay attention to how many readers they have either.  So with undue diligence, I present my nominees:
St. Magoo -  The tagline says "I'm Not Mental or Anything" I am not so sure...
The Restless Avocado - She's also not mental or anything, although her tagline says nothing about being mental.
Incoherently Yours - I admire this woman.  No jokes here.  I love her to bits and was so fortunate to have met her in real life this summer.
My Life, Well-lived - I started reading this woman's blog quite a few years ago.  Since then, she has moved to Germany, and I have watched her become a mommy and her son is ridiculously cute.  And has a cool name, yo.
Oh gosh.  That's only four.  Ok...think think think...
Warm Dirt - This lovely lady is living the coolest life, and strangely enough, we went to the same high school but never really knew each other. And she married a guy that I dated briefly.  Who then turned out to be gay. So there's that in common, too.  The guy, not that she married someone who turned out to be gay. Oy.  Keep digging...
Can't Remember Diddly - She is funny, she is multi-talented, and who doesn't love Dory?
Welcome to Married Life - When I started reading her blog, she had one son, the same age as Sashimi.  Then she had another boy.  Then she had twin girls.  And somehow she keeps it all together. And looks cute in every photo.
Bringing Up Baby Bilingual - I subscribed to this blog very recently, but I love what she writes.  A non-native French speaker raising her children bilingual by only speaking in French to them. Brilliant. 
Pharmadaddy - I'm sleeping with this one.
Ok, so that's nine.  I need 11, hey...
Well, not for lack of looking, I cannot seem to remember the URLs of other blogs that I read. Most of them I subscribe to via e-mail. So if you are not in my inbox, I have no idea where to find you.

11 questions for my nominees:

1. Do you like fruitcake? If not, provide three reasons.
2. Do you poop and text? Be honest.
3. Have you ever woken from a dream in which you were being seduced by sexy British men only to find an ACTUAL sexy British man in your room?
4. Did you immunize your kids? Support your answer.
5. Do you own a handgun? If you do, go throw it out right now.  Well, not in the actual trash.  Go incinerate it or something.  When you are done, come back and finish the questions.
6.  Do you prefer ants on a log with peanut butter or cheez whiz?
7. True of False: It is never too late for a night cap.
8. Do you still wish your mom would come over and take care of you when you're sick?
9. True or False: Artificial Christmas trees are superior to real ones.
10. True or False: Tassimo is real coffee.  Oh wait, that's not even fair.  The answer is false.  Moving on.
11.  True or False: $2500 is a reasonable price to spend on a dual boiler espresso machine.

BONUS QUESTION: have you met me in real life? If yes, are you now wishing you hadn't?

So there.  I hereby award you a Liebster award.  Go forth and toast and congratulate yourselves. With a sexy Brit.