Reflections

One year ago I was eagerly waiting for iBean to master breastfeeding. Now, with mixed emotions, I await a pre-op appointment for a tubal ligation.
I don't really want to be done having babies.  I would love to give iBean a little sister to play with.  Heck, even a little brother to call "her baby" and force Barbie-time on him. Or tea party. But not Bratz or Monster High.  WTF are those anyway?  So wierd.
But my body really cannot handle another pregnancy.  And so we have to call it quits.
On the one terrified hand, I have been living in fear of getting pregnant for the past year.  Because of my continued hypertension, I cannot go on birth control pills.  I was given the option of an IUD, but that does not appeal to me what.so.ever.  I still have not had a period since iBean's birth, so it's not like I can even avoid sexy parties on certain ovulatory days. So we have been playing Russian Roulette with condoms.  So far, so good.
On the other weepy hand, I sort of wished that I had fallen pregnant by accident. I could have tried to have another baby without all of the questions of "ARE YOU CRAZY?  YOU COULD DIE!" and retorted: "WELL, WE USED CONDOMS' BUT THEY'RE ONLY, LIKE 98% EFFECTIVE." And then Ross screeches "THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!"
See? No guilt there.  I could say we tried to avoid it, but God obviously had other plans for us.  Not our fault.
But they do put that on the box.  And when used correctly, condoms work.  Of course, being married to a health care professional means he ensures they work.  Every. Time.
So when I went to get a renewal on my blood pressure medication last week, I asked the resident if I could be referred to a surgeon to get my tubes tied.  I can't live in fear of pregnancy anymore, and I know that a pregnancy could very well kill me, my baby, or give me a stroke and leave me disabled, or give my baby a stroke and leave her disabled, or what the heck, all of the above.  And, since iBean was born at 32 weeks, my chance of having another premature baby is high, and I could definitely live without another NICU experience.  Not the the NICU was bad, in fact, the nurses were pretty awesome. It was just a very high-stress time for our whole family, even with iBean being a medical marvel.
There is the small chance that it could all go smilingly well and I could have a very uneventful pregnancy and a nice 7 1/2 lb baby like Keesadilla. 
But the odds are not in my favour, particularly since my body never fully recovered from what happened with iBean, despite the specialists telling me that there was no reason that they could see that I wouldn't go back to being a normal 29-year old that doesn't need to be on blood pressure medication.
So I am going against my Catholic roots and having a medical procedure performed to prevent procreation.  I've had a hard time with this one, but I have to believe that God would rather my children have their Mommy with them than be motherless with one more sibling.