Sunday 18 December 2011

Penis Pointing Down

We have a housecleaner.  She works as a nanny for a family down the street and she moonlights as a housecleaner.  She usually comes once every two weeks and does a whole once-over of the house.  Sometimes, she even folds our laundry or does our dishes  We LOVE her.

This weekend, she was busy with a community Christmas party and said she would not be able to make it.  I cried a little inside, but then I thought "Suck it up, Princess!  You know how to clean the house!"  I washed the floor in our living area a couple of days ago, and I cleaned the kids' bathroom yesterday: toilet, tub (which is usually pretty clean), floor and sink.  Two tasks: done.

I went into the kids' bathroom this morning to grab a facecloth and smelled PEE. That awful stench of morning urine crustified onto something in the bathroom.  I had just cleaned the toilet yesterday, so I knew that the smell was not coming from within.  I looked around the toilet - dried yellowish stuff all around the base.  EVERYWHERE.  Frick!  So I grabbed a rag and started cleaning. I wiped the entire toilet down and cleaned around the base.  I cleaned off the stool that Keesadilla uses to reach the toilet, and then left the bathroom.

I went back in to use the facilities about 10 minutes later.  STENCH. STILL. THERE.  WTF?!  I cleaned the effing toilet already. And the floor!  So I started sniffing like a bloodhound and saw pee all over the garbage can lid next to the toilet. Double Frick!! Grabbed another rag and wiped down the garbage can, emptied the garbage bag.  Then I lifted the cannister: big puddle of yellow liquid underneath.  FUCKITY FUCK!!  How many places can a kid pee in such a small bathroom?  So I washed the entire garbage cannister and the floor beneath.   Convinced that I had finally solved the pee-problem, I left.

About 20 minutes later, Sashimi had to use the bathroom. He walked in and exclaimed: "MOMMY!  It smells AWFUL in here!"

I ran back in. Sure enough, it still smelled just as rank as before.  Did a skunk pee in here or something?  I cleaned everything! Except the bath mat.  ARGHHHH! Seriously?  I stripped the entire bathroom of every possible towel, facecloth, bath mat, or other garment that may or may not have been peed on.  I turned on the fan.  I washed the entire floor.  Again.

After I emerged from urine-hell, I asked the boys in a nice calm fashion:
"WHO PEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR???  IT IS DISGUSTING IN YOUR BATHROOM!"
Sashimi pointed at Keesadilla: "It was him.  I saw him do it."
Me: And you just let him pee all over the place?
S: Well, I told him to put his penis pointing down, but he didn't listen to me.
Me: Can you please show him HOW to point it down so that we don't have pee all over the place?
S: No, it's too hard, Mommy.

I am done with this. One brother watches as the other brother spackles the bathroom with piss and I am left to clean it all up.  I may as well just put a big effing drain in the floor and have the floor slope towards it.  That'd probably be just as useful as a toilet and much easier to clean.
Or forbid my housecleaner from ever going to a Christmas party agan.
Bah. Humbug. Urine.

4 comments:

  1. All i can think about is the unusual google hits you are going to get from "Penis pointing down". And also, ew.

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  2. Damn...did not think that one through. Penis pointing down has such a strong "don't pee all over the place" message in our house, I forgot it could mean a whole lot of weird stuff on the interwebs.

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  3. Hee! I just went and googled "penis pointing down." Your blog was fourth from the top!

    Sorry...I couldn't resist.

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  4. Oh goodness, I am struggling with this myself right now...I've literally washed everything in my bathroom...and still the smell of pee lingers!!! You made me laugh out loud with your blog..thanks for that!

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