Robbed

I just feel robbed.

I could have handled having lost one baby.  I know that statistically, it very well could happen.  And when I saw on the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat, I was sad and crushed, but I knew it was a part of life and the gamble of getting pregnant.

But the chances of naturally getting pregnant with twins are small.  And then to lose them before I ever really knew I had them is worse.  I never got to experience those wild fantasies about my babies, what it would be like to have twins, how they would grow up together. I never got to have the hopeful anxiety over having to raise 4 kids, and what I was going to do at home alone with these 4 kids under the age of 4.  I never got to imagine whether or not they would be identical.  I never got to imagine what it would be like to be a part of that elite group of mothers-of-multiples. I didn't get to have that joy and awe in carrying two lives in my belly.

Because I didn't know until they were gone.

Last night, I lay in bed crying and clutching my belly, riddled with guilt over my babies, knowing that it would be my last night with them.  The last night I would know them and that I would be their mommy.  The last night that I would be a mother of twins.

Because I am not anymore.  I bleed as though they were never there.  I cry because they always will be.

Sorry Times 2

My first prenatal visit for this pregnancy was today.  I was excited to hear the heartbeat and find out how much weight I have gained.  Well, not so much about that, but wanting to know how bad it was (9 lbs in the first trimester).  Sacha wanted to come so that he could hear the heartbeat, although he was convinced he was going to get to see a picture.

So Tony and him waited in anticipation as the doctor tried to find the heartbeat.  Waited, and waited, and waited.

The doctor could not find a heartbeat, so they sent me to have an ultrasound.  I could tell by the visuals on the screen that there was no heartbeat.  That we had lost this baby.  My doctor then came to talk to Tony and I directly and told us that there was no heartbeat, and that it had been twins.  The twins had died at 8 weeks, and I am sitting here at 11 weeks 5 days.  He was very compassionate, describing what we needed to do next, since my body was obviously not going to miscarry on its own.  All the while, I feel numb.  And horribly guilty.

Guilty for saying that I didn't want twins, that I was terrified of having twins, that it would be bad.  As though I somehow caused this to happen.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is not my fault, but I can't help feeling guilty over it.

I am sorry I said I didn't want you.  I did.  I do.  And now I will never know you.

I am so sorry.

Twin Cursing Makes Me Nervous

It has been brought to my attention (thanks, Katie) that I have not posted in two months.  I think that is about right, as I am now...10+ weeks preggers with #3.  I know that I may be jinxing myself for putting it out on the web that I am with child, but since I am already sticking out of my pants and my boobs are popping out of all sides of my bra, there is not much denying it anymore.

So the past 2 months have been mostly wrought with fatigue, nausea, bitchiness, horribly disturbing dreams, moodiness, irrationality and cursing the damn skinny jeans I bought one week before I found out I was pregnant.  I am also living in fear that I am having twins.  There is no rational reason for this fear (see irrationality as a symptom of said pregnancy) other than that I already had a bump at 8 weeks, my friend says she is having twin dreams, my stepfather keeps wishing twins on me, and other people have seen me and have said something to the effect of "hmm, maybe you're having twins."  Oh, and my SIL had twins last year (along with a horrifying TTTS experience) and I have twin aunts.  And the nagging feeling that my pretty picture of 3 kids and NOT having to buy the freaken minivan everyone says I will need seems too gift-wrapped and perfectly bundled to come true.   And the idea of having 4 kids under the age of 4 scares the holy freaking crap out of me. Other than that, no rational reason for my fear.  Did I mention that I am sometimes a pessimist?

For the most part, I am starting to feel better (most days) as long as I stay away from things that smell like broccoli, feet, coffee or vino - mainly Tony (Bwahaha!).  And from people who tell me that I am going to have twins.

Rules for Internet Usage

Spurred by the massive amounts of information (mainly misinformation) about the Hini aka H1N1 aka Swine Flu aka Bacon Plague aka the Oinking Sickness, I have realized that many people do not really know how the internet works.  I feel called upon to pay heed to this grave matter, and have compiled the following:

Official Rules for Internet Usage, Version Hini Point One

1. When you google something, the first page of results from your google search are not an indication of their veracity or "trueness." Results are ranked based on how many hits, or "clicks" they receive.  The more you click, the higher its google rank.  This does not mean its content is true and reliable.   Example: Just because the first site that pops up when you google "H1N1 vaccine ingredients" tells you that it contains formaldehyde and tissues from aborted babies does NOT mean it is true.


2. Anyone can publish anything they want on the internet.  There are no editors or publishers to approve or reject any of its content.  Example: I could create a page touting the merits of taking high doses of Vitamin D to combat the Hini, encouraging people to take doses higher than the daily maximum recommended intake of 2000 IU, and watch my stocks in the vitamin company soar.  I could casually forget to include pertinent information such as the possibility of vitamin D toxicity, which can cause calcium deposits to form in places, like, your blood vessels.  Awesome.


3. Never believe anything, especially forwards, you receive in your e-mail inbox.  Most of these are not true. You will NOT get bad luck for 100 years if you delete the message before forwarding it to 27 of your favourite friends. Example: Ashley Flores is not a real missing person.  She may not even be a real "found" person.


4. Anyone can sign any name to the bottom of an e-mail.  There is no way to track this back.  Example: I could write an e-mail to everyone, telling them that eating bacon dipped in vitamin D will give you immunity from the Hini.  Then I could sign it Dr. David Suzuki, and copy and paste an entire list of his credentials and all the great stuff he has done.  That doesn't mean the Suze wrote the e-mail, and it definitely does not mean you should braise your pig fat with D-drops.


5. When in doubt about the veracity of an e-mail, go to snopes.com and please, for the love of Zeus, look it up before you forward it.


6. "Researching" is not the same as "googling." There are places to go on the internet if you want real facts.  Most of these are databases of academic periodicals from universities and libraries.  Not so much from google.  Don't get me wrong, if you want great ideas for icebreakers for your next business function, google is awesome.  If you want to know what caused Gulf War Syndrome (ahem), google is NOT where you go; Pub Med (not to be confused with Club Med) is where you want to be.

If you do not know how to properly use the internet, please don't use it to make important decisions, such as how to properly cook pufferfish, or whether or not to get the Hini shot.  You wouldn't google "pufferfish", then watch a youtube video on how to cut it properly without leeching its poison into the meat, then cook it and serve it to yourself and your children.  Why, then, are people willing to make a decision about getting a vaccine based on their "research" on the internet and in TV Guide rather than talking to their family physician or their pharmacist? Because they don't know the rules of the internet.  The internet is a free-for-all.  Sometimes, this can be fantastic. But not when you are making important decisions regarding your health and the health of your loved ones.

Get off the computer and go talk to your physician or pharmacist or other health care practitioner.  He/She will be more than happy to give you all the valid information you need.

 

**I realize the irony of my posting this on the internet.  Like I said, it's a BYOB out here. It sort of tickles me.

How Long I Have Waited

Ally McBeal is FINALLY on DVD!!

Now, I know I am dating myself, but I loved this show so much that everyone knew that you did NOT call me during Ally McBeal, on punishment of death.  Or at the least a severe verbal lashing, followed by a click and a dial tone.  Even Tony knew not to call, when we were first dating, on Monday nights between 10-11 pm: I was on a date with Billy...until he died.  And then with Larry.  Until good old R. Downey Jr got sent to jail for some drug charge and they had to write Larry off.  I cried my face off.

I have been waiting for years to get this on DVD, and even tried to find a way to buy a non-region-encoded DVD player and then order the DVDs from the UK, where it has been out for a long time.  Apparently there were issues with music rights and so on in the New World...gah.

Tony says he wishes he would have known, as he already bought my Christmas gift. NOOOOooooooooo!

To quote John "The Biscuit" Cage: BALLS!