Thursday, 28 January 2010


I just feel robbed.

I could have handled having lost one baby.  I know that statistically, it very well could happen.  And when I saw on the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat, I was sad and crushed, but I knew it was a part of life and the gamble of getting pregnant.

But the chances of naturally getting pregnant with twins are small.  And then to lose them before I ever really knew I had them is worse.  I never got to experience those wild fantasies about my babies, what it would be like to have twins, how they would grow up together. I never got to have the hopeful anxiety over having to raise 4 kids, and what I was going to do at home alone with these 4 kids under the age of 4.  I never got to imagine whether or not they would be identical.  I never got to imagine what it would be like to be a part of that elite group of mothers-of-multiples. I didn't get to have that joy and awe in carrying two lives in my belly.

Because I didn't know until they were gone.

Last night, I lay in bed crying and clutching my belly, riddled with guilt over my babies, knowing that it would be my last night with them.  The last night I would know them and that I would be their mommy.  The last night that I would be a mother of twins.

Because I am not anymore.  I bleed as though they were never there.  I cry because they always will be.


  1. sobbing with your ache now in my own heart

  2. It's true. They will always be there and you will especially think of them on certain days. My first would have been a Halloween baby, the second a Valentine's. Those days are different now.

  3. So sorry for your loss. I've been catching up on my blog reading, and was so sad to read this.

  4. incoherentlyyours1 February 2010 at 08:29

    I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now.


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