Monday, 9 July 2012

Defining Moment

There are several moments that define your life: first kiss, first love, wedding day, coming out of the closet day, you know, stuff like that.  Some of these moments are truly momentous for everyone involved, like the day a child is born.  Or the day you come out.  Other moments, well, they may not be as astounding, but they build character.  Or merely highlight a quality of your character you didn't know you had.

I was watching the kids take a bath after an excruciatingly hot day.  I was sitting in my bra and shorts.  Tony was walking around in his boxers, Sashimi still in his swimming trunks, playing with Lego.  iBean tried to climb out of the tub, so I helped her out, dried her off a bit, then let her run off.  The air-drying time would bring her some relief in the heat.  I looked over at her bending over the lego bin, watching her brother.  Then I saw something.  I reached out my hand and caught it.    I walked over to the bathroom, put the half-footer log into the toilet and flushed.  Then I realized what I had just done.

I caught a shit in my HAND.  My bare hand!  ON PURPOSE!  And for what?  So I wouldn't have to clean shit off the carpet.  Because I apparently would rather have to clean poop off my hands (which I use to EAT WITH) than off the carpet, which we walk on. With our dirty feet. But wait!  After the log, iBean made a sequel and it was all mushy, so when Tony tried to pick it up off the carpet, he smushed it in.  SMUSHED SHIT INTO THE CARPET!  So my log-catching was all for naught.  Because not only did I gently cradle my daughter's feces in my hand, catching it like delivering a fragile baby, I also get to scrub it out of my bedroom carpet.

And you know what the worst part is?  The whole thing didn't phase me. At. All.  It was like business as usual in the frickin Gross McDisgusterson house, where people apparently poop in the tub, on the floor, and now in my hand.  You know how some people potty train their kids?  Not me.  My kids are totally hand-trained.  They squat, I catch.  It's easy, you all can do it, too.  You just let your kids run around naked and wait for the catch.  In the middle of making dinner?  No worry! Don't have to run to the bathroom, just catch and dump.  Or is it dump and catch?  Or they dump then you catch and you dump?  Either way, you always get poop on your hands.  And then you use your hands for EVERYTHING ELSE in your day.

Seriously, what have I become that I can see a turtle head poking out and my first reaction is to stick my HAND there?!  Why would I not find a cloth to catch it in, or pick her up and put her over the toilet?  Or just let her poop on the floor and make Tony clean it up? Because apparently I am a shit-catcher.  Some people catch a break.   Some people catch colds.  I catch shit. 

And that has been my character-defining moment of the day year. 


  1. Not the first time that carpet has gotten poo on it.

  2. Oh my. my, my, my my my. Home Hardware sells nitrile gloves. I use them for weeding my garden, but I'm sure they are versatile. And possibly many other stories will pale in comparison to this one of yours.

  3. Sadly, my carpet has been pooped on a LOT. The only explanation I can come up with after the fact is that I was worried that iBean would step in it?? I've got nothin'.

  4. *dies* I don't wanna become a poop catcher!! Lol!

  5. hahaha, that was hilarious! I laughed out loud many times while reading this. I've been a shit-catcher myself once of my own shit...when I was 4 years old or so. I was at home trying to hold my #2 in, but finally couldn't do it anymore and ran to the bathroom, pulled down my pants but it was too late. There was a trail of shit on the bathroom floor leading to the toilet. So I had to grab the shit from the floor with my hand and dump it back into the toilet. Luckily, I was already in the bathroom and the shit was only on the tile. So all I had to do was wipe the shit stain away and hope that my parents wouldn't know/smell what had transpired.

  6. On that note... I think I'm going to bed!
    But seriously, thank you for making me laugh out loud! Can I just say, I have not actually had to catch any, but my husband saved a puzzle that our first was squatting over a few years back. And I have cleaned out the tub more times than I can count (and I'm sure there are more coming with the girls).


Thoughts? Comments? Questions?