Higgledy-Piggledy with Numbers

Number of names given to our cat, Mr. Dash, (who meows incessantly at Sacha's door when he is sleeping) on any given day: dozens, including but not limited to:

• dumbass


• jackass fuckface


• Idiot! (think Napoleon Dynamite)


• fucker


• jerkwad


• ass bandit


• retard


• shithead


• pig


• fucking cat


• stupid cat


• DASH!


• dickface


• fuckweed


• ass hat


• dickhead

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Number of train and/or train related toys in our house to satisfy Sacha's obsession with all things train: 0

Number of pool pumps sitting in our storage room that Sacha thinks are trains and insists on riding: 1

Number of Thomas the Train videos viewed on YouTube: infinity squared

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Number of socks designed and intended to fit a Winnie the Pooh doll: 0

Number of socks Sacha thinks are rightfully Winnie's: 2, my newly finished knit Thistle Socks, which Sacha took off my warm feet and put on his Winnie.

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Number of soothers hacked up, destroyed and garbaged in the last week: 10

Number of soothers still remaining in the house: 5 (we think, although Sacha has been known to stash them for future dry spells)

Number of soothers that are actually fully intact: 3 (the other 2 have teeny holes pierced in them)

Number of soothers required by the little dude to go to sleep: 2 (an improvement from 3, which was the standard until last week).

Number of times I wish I had taken the fucking thing away a long time ago: the integral of infinity raised to the power of x.

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Number of child-mullets waiting to be rectified by a competent stylist: 1 (but a very important 1)

Number or rockin' haircuts received in the past week: 1

What's your number, baby?