Robbed

I just feel robbed.

I could have handled having lost one baby.  I know that statistically, it very well could happen.  And when I saw on the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat, I was sad and crushed, but I knew it was a part of life and the gamble of getting pregnant.

But the chances of naturally getting pregnant with twins are small.  And then to lose them before I ever really knew I had them is worse.  I never got to experience those wild fantasies about my babies, what it would be like to have twins, how they would grow up together. I never got to have the hopeful anxiety over having to raise 4 kids, and what I was going to do at home alone with these 4 kids under the age of 4.  I never got to imagine whether or not they would be identical.  I never got to imagine what it would be like to be a part of that elite group of mothers-of-multiples. I didn't get to have that joy and awe in carrying two lives in my belly.

Because I didn't know until they were gone.

Last night, I lay in bed crying and clutching my belly, riddled with guilt over my babies, knowing that it would be my last night with them.  The last night I would know them and that I would be their mommy.  The last night that I would be a mother of twins.

Because I am not anymore.  I bleed as though they were never there.  I cry because they always will be.

Sorry Times 2

My first prenatal visit for this pregnancy was today.  I was excited to hear the heartbeat and find out how much weight I have gained.  Well, not so much about that, but wanting to know how bad it was (9 lbs in the first trimester).  Sacha wanted to come so that he could hear the heartbeat, although he was convinced he was going to get to see a picture.

So Tony and him waited in anticipation as the doctor tried to find the heartbeat.  Waited, and waited, and waited.

The doctor could not find a heartbeat, so they sent me to have an ultrasound.  I could tell by the visuals on the screen that there was no heartbeat.  That we had lost this baby.  My doctor then came to talk to Tony and I directly and told us that there was no heartbeat, and that it had been twins.  The twins had died at 8 weeks, and I am sitting here at 11 weeks 5 days.  He was very compassionate, describing what we needed to do next, since my body was obviously not going to miscarry on its own.  All the while, I feel numb.  And horribly guilty.

Guilty for saying that I didn't want twins, that I was terrified of having twins, that it would be bad.  As though I somehow caused this to happen.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is not my fault, but I can't help feeling guilty over it.

I am sorry I said I didn't want you.  I did.  I do.  And now I will never know you.

I am so sorry.

Twin Cursing Makes Me Nervous

It has been brought to my attention (thanks, Katie) that I have not posted in two months.  I think that is about right, as I am now...10+ weeks preggers with #3.  I know that I may be jinxing myself for putting it out on the web that I am with child, but since I am already sticking out of my pants and my boobs are popping out of all sides of my bra, there is not much denying it anymore.

So the past 2 months have been mostly wrought with fatigue, nausea, bitchiness, horribly disturbing dreams, moodiness, irrationality and cursing the damn skinny jeans I bought one week before I found out I was pregnant.  I am also living in fear that I am having twins.  There is no rational reason for this fear (see irrationality as a symptom of said pregnancy) other than that I already had a bump at 8 weeks, my friend says she is having twin dreams, my stepfather keeps wishing twins on me, and other people have seen me and have said something to the effect of "hmm, maybe you're having twins."  Oh, and my SIL had twins last year (along with a horrifying TTTS experience) and I have twin aunts.  And the nagging feeling that my pretty picture of 3 kids and NOT having to buy the freaken minivan everyone says I will need seems too gift-wrapped and perfectly bundled to come true.   And the idea of having 4 kids under the age of 4 scares the holy freaking crap out of me. Other than that, no rational reason for my fear.  Did I mention that I am sometimes a pessimist?

For the most part, I am starting to feel better (most days) as long as I stay away from things that smell like broccoli, feet, coffee or vino - mainly Tony (Bwahaha!).  And from people who tell me that I am going to have twins.